Wednesday, December 9, 2009

the story of the sad boy

one person

one person only

they are in a dark area

I cant see anything else but

there is a small light shown on them and

they are looking down nothing else

as if they are in a trance

they are stuck

nothing

doing nothing at all

and yet I can feel everything

that they are feeling they are feeling

hate of sadness

something dark

and then the darkness is slowly inside of them

is coming out like shadows

slowly consuming them and

then the person screams

they spread out their arms

then there is nothing

just black

then it slowly fades to the lake.

It's dark

so dark out.

There are 2 people

on the lake

both with swords and

that same person

that was consumed by the shadows

is there,

sitting

facing away from the fight.

It starts to rain, and heavily

on the person

they start to cry

and the two people with swords start to fight

fighting with all they have.

They cut and there is blood one is

bleeding from his mouth

and the other is

slightly bruised

but is that a cut?

And then the person who is facing away

can feel everything.

They don’t know what to do

what, can they do?

That’s why they are thinking.

There are dead trees

in front of the sad person

who is kneeling on the water.

There is a bench. And the person thinks

why is that bench is empty.

Nothing more nothing less

just like my life

that’s what they are thinking

and the two people keep fighting.

And then the final slash and

the black out and

the blood is

everywhere

in the water

on the water

and the person who is sitting

just cries. The rain is still

going and the wind picks up

and the person alone

is just sitting.

Like nothing ever happened.

They are just sitting

again not thinking

of anything

but they are thinking.

How is this all of my fault

what did I do?

They are crying again

but a slow sob

and the fight continues behind him.

The two guys are slowly

on the verge of death but

they keep fighting.

the thunder cracks yet

no one is affected by it.

The person keeps crying and the water around him slowly

pulls him down.

The sad person disappears

from sight

but his spirit is still there. The rain

keeps going and the two people on the water

keep fighting but they both

sink

into the water.

It’s dark.

It keeps raining.

Why is that bench empty?

What else is there?

There is a building

in the background

but it’s

behind

trees.

Could this be a park?

And then the drowning continues

that’s what I think is happening

but is he nothing?

I can just feel.

It hurts.

That’s what the sad person is saying,

why me?

That’s what they are asking.

But the fight is no more.

But the fight is

within

him.

He is crying

because the fight continues

even though the two are

already gone.

he keeps crying

nothing left

he feels.

there he is in the water

alone

should I be dead?

that’s what he thinks

but not him…

no he's at the bottom of the lake

Its dark and here he

sits

slowly

waiting

scared if anyone

sees him

then the world would

end.

His world

ended

already

that’s what he thinks

and there we go

the story of the sad boy

that’s what he said.

when the sad boy says

the story ended

he has all of the

wounds

from the sword fights

hes in the water

he falls down

further

before

he was kneeling

but now

hes on his side

he looks

and it was dark

and before he died

he said i know what that feels

he closed his eyes

and that was all.

3 comments:

  1. Very good imagery. Its a interesting and unique idea and I really like how its executed. One aspect that I thought was really neat and played into this dreamlike effect was the subtle repetition of specific words like when you say:
    something dark
    and then the darkness is slowly inside of them

    I think however its ineffective when you repeat the whole phrase like:
    that they are feeling they are feeling

    Just picking out the important words and reusing them is much more powerful.

    Definitely work to condense the beginning and spend more time at the end. It would help for clarity. Its a little hard to critique when its so lengthy.

    I do think the important part comes more toward the end so spend more time there. It would be really neat if the beginning was very simplistic just depiction of the person and the place and then the emotion built up until the end was like this overwhelming dose of emotion. If that makes sense. It would really heighten and highlight the emotion for when it matters most.

    I dont know if I necessarily get the secret message? Hah..

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  2. I really liked this. It was really eerie and calm even though all of this craziness is happening in the background. Reminded me of this poem a little: http://plagiarist.com/poetry/2133/
    But maybe that's just me. I think it might be a bit to obscure, though. Like, how does this relate to your life? Or even in a general sense, how does this relate to life and the human experience overall?

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  3. I think that what would definately help this poem would be to change phrases like "the two guys." They seem to take away from the entire feeling of the poem right now.

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