Wednesday, December 9, 2009
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one person
one person only
they are in a dark area
I cant see anything else but
there is a small light shown on them and
they are looking down nothing else
as if they are in a trance
they are stuck
nothing
doing nothing at all
and yet I can feel everything
that they are feeling they are feeling
hate of sadness
something dark
and then the darkness is slowly inside of them
is coming out like shadows
slowly consuming them and
then the person screams
they spread out their arms
then there is nothing
just black
then it slowly fades to the lake.
It's dark
so dark out.
There are 2 people
on the lake
both with swords and
that same person
that was consumed by the shadows
is there,
sitting
facing away from the fight.
It starts to rain, and heavily
on the person
they start to cry
and the two people with swords start to fight
fighting with all they have.
They cut and there is blood one is
bleeding from his mouth
and the other is
slightly bruised
but is that a cut?
And then the person who is facing away
can feel everything.
They don’t know what to do
what, can they do?
That’s why they are thinking.
There are dead trees
in front of the sad person
who is kneeling on the water.
There is a bench. And the person thinks
why is that bench is empty.
Nothing more nothing less
just like my life
that’s what they are thinking
and the two people keep fighting.
And then the final slash and
the black out and
the blood is
everywhere
in the water
on the water
and the person who is sitting
just cries. The rain is still
going and the wind picks up
and the person alone
is just sitting.
Like nothing ever happened.
They are just sitting
again not thinking
of anything
but they are thinking.
How is this all of my fault
what did I do?
They are crying again
but a slow sob
and the fight continues behind him.
The two guys are slowly
on the verge of death but
they keep fighting.
the thunder cracks yet
no one is affected by it.
The person keeps crying and the water around him slowly
pulls him down.
The sad person disappears
from sight
but his spirit is still there. The rain
keeps going and the two people on the water
keep fighting but they both
sink
into the water.
It’s dark.
It keeps raining.
Why is that bench empty?
What else is there?
There is a building
in the background
but it’s
behind
trees.
Could this be a park?
And then the drowning continues
that’s what I think is happening
but is he nothing?
I can just feel.
It hurts.
That’s what the sad person is saying,
why me?
That’s what they are asking.
But the fight is no more.
But the fight is
within
him.
He is crying
because the fight continues
even though the two are
already gone.
he keeps crying
nothing left
he feels.
there he is in the water
alone
should I be dead?
that’s what he thinks
but not him…
no he's at the bottom of the lake
Its dark and here he
sits
slowly
waiting
scared if anyone
sees him
then the world would
end.
His world
ended
already
that’s what he thinks
and there we go
the story of the sad boy
that’s what he said.
when the sad boy says
the story ended
he has all of the
wounds
from the sword fights
hes in the water
he falls down
further
before
he was kneeling
but now
hes on his side
he looks
and it was dark
and before he died
he said i know what that feels
he closed his eyes
and that was all.
Very good imagery. Its a interesting and unique idea and I really like how its executed. One aspect that I thought was really neat and played into this dreamlike effect was the subtle repetition of specific words like when you say:
ReplyDeletesomething dark
and then the darkness is slowly inside of them
I think however its ineffective when you repeat the whole phrase like:
that they are feeling they are feeling
Just picking out the important words and reusing them is much more powerful.
Definitely work to condense the beginning and spend more time at the end. It would help for clarity. Its a little hard to critique when its so lengthy.
I do think the important part comes more toward the end so spend more time there. It would be really neat if the beginning was very simplistic just depiction of the person and the place and then the emotion built up until the end was like this overwhelming dose of emotion. If that makes sense. It would really heighten and highlight the emotion for when it matters most.
I dont know if I necessarily get the secret message? Hah..
I really liked this. It was really eerie and calm even though all of this craziness is happening in the background. Reminded me of this poem a little: http://plagiarist.com/poetry/2133/
ReplyDeleteBut maybe that's just me. I think it might be a bit to obscure, though. Like, how does this relate to your life? Or even in a general sense, how does this relate to life and the human experience overall?
I think that what would definately help this poem would be to change phrases like "the two guys." They seem to take away from the entire feeling of the poem right now.
ReplyDelete